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What You Want Me To Be

By Lily Razuki, April 10, 2019

What You Want Me To Be Image

I’ve recently become aware that my mind has two parts, two voices. 

The angel and the devil, if you will. 

See I’m the kind of person who listens to what the wind is trying to tell me,

I’ll spend hours by the sea, consumed by her serenity. 

I’m the kind of person who prays that in my after life a tree is what I’ll be, 

With a base that’s strong and sturdy, 

Sending breath and magic into the world that lays before me. 

So you see, 

I’m aware of life’s beauty and opportunity. 

My nights slumbers are filled with the wonders of dreams regularly. 

I’m obsessed with it all, 

Blessed with no second guess. 

So I wonder to myself,

Why does eating make me feel so small?

A friend once told me that this world can act as a playground for anxiety. 

We are told our mental health should be our priority. 

Yet it’s that same higher authority that plants my mind with seeds of unease.

So are you beginning to see?

Forever I’ve felt like a somebody 

I know I’m different 

I know my bright green eyes and big red lips can make you feel like I’m confident with my own hips 

But forever I’ve felt otherwise. 

Don’t think that my beautiful eyes aren’t telling you lies

Because

Inside my head live two opposing spies,

Both triggered by my minds eye 

One, obsessed with the nutrients and taste of food

The other, obsessed with what’s “bad” and what’s “good”

So, I ask myself and I ask you, 

Which one is more important to listen to? 

Because can’t you see, devil,

What you want me to be 

Isn’t that easy to for me to achieve.

So, now you should see,

I’ll keep sprouting from the earth in which my flower petals grow from and die on, 

Because my life doesn’t have to be about trying to look like that girl in that famous rom-com. 

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