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Something I’m Not Sure Is A Thing

Elling writes because she doesn’t sleep so well. At night her brain walks down winding little streets, collecting winding little words, question marks and colours from gutters, windows and alley cats. She draws too, but her art doesn’t always say what she wants and she left her pens at Fluff in 2018.

By Ellen Jenkinson, January 17, 2019

Read time: 2 Mins

Something I’m Not Sure Is A Thing Image

Find someone who cuts your kiwi up for you – arranges it into a smile on your plate with blueberries and almonds.

Who falls asleep holding your feet when they’re cold. Who tries to cook your favourite meal and fails miserably. Someone who gives you their jacket, who tackles you into waves at the beach, who is nervous with your feelings. Find someone who listens even when they don’t understand and makes you laugh into your porridge on mornings that feel too hard, who burns the toast – every time. Someone who wears your underpants on their head when they bring the washing in off the line. Find someone that is gentle, soft in their touch and warm in their caress. Someone who your friends love, your family take in. Someone who is easy, makes you happy, makes you laugh; makes it all feel easy. 

Date them for a while. 

Then find someone who teaches you things. Challenges your words, your actions – calls you out on your shit. Someone who fights with you just to see you angry, who hurts in their dark corners. Who doesn’t reply when you want them to and doesn’t always call when they say they will, but calls at 2am to read their favourite quote to you, to demand you listen to a song with your eyes closed. Someone who tells, not asks. Find someone who burns, who feels like a leather jacket, who your friends will sniff around, someone your parents will worry about. Someone who kisses like you’re at the airport, who grabs like they’re falling down, who loves like art. Someone who sees things you don’t, who makes it all a little confusing. Someone who makes the bads bad, tells you of sad sads, makes you think; makes it all feel wild, like fucking chaos. 

Date them for a while. 

Then keep doing that until you work out what you need from someone. What they take from you. What you’re left with. What you bring. What you make with them. How much you need them, how much you want it, how much they want you, how much they need it with you. And then make some really poor life decisions and just go with that. Whatever. 

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