Shallow Advantage

By Gigi Perry, September 10, 2018

Shallow Advantage Image

Hey, it’s me, Gigi.

I’m coming at you from my bed, a Bioré strip over my nose. Like boys, Bioré strips are disgusting in an oddly satisfying way, considered by many to be bad for your health and also, conveniently disposable.

BUtttt, how do you know how disposable someone in particular is? A pro’s and con’s list? A constant and pernicious assessment of your feelings towards them and their feelings towards you? Non. There is an easier method.

Ok, here’s my 2k (the inflation version of 2 cents):

1. identify an item of clothing you covet but cannot afford,

2. put all moral inclination aside,

3. choose between that item of clothing and the person.

And voilà! If you picked the hypothetical hypoallergenic woollen shift dress over the very real human being you are dating, you know your infatuation with them only goes so far. If instead, you chose the human being without a hint of reluctance, then you my fair-weather friend, are serious.

I discovered this (the online store version of modus operandi) last year. At the time, I was still in love with someone from a dead and gone relationship. One fateful day, I was watching my favourite runway collection and it hit me:

I would literally rather have a FW16 Ready to Wear Rodarte faux fur coat than the boy I’ve been caught up with for 2 years.

The thought was profoundly comforting. It gave me perspective, it gave me hope and above all, it brought be back to my core value: rapacious consumerism.

So there you go, if you think someone is wrong for you, peel the Bioré strip off slowly and carefully, starting at the edges, pulling towards the centre (the skin care version of rip off the bandaid) and if you think they are right for you, tie the bow on the Miu Miu ballet flats (the high fashion version of tie the knot).

And with that, good buy (the capitalist version of good bye).

Ok I’m done.

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