🥀 Did a forever kind of thing with a boy.
🥀 Sold all my things. Realised I had too many things. Vowed to have less things.
🥀 Put remaining things in a bag and went to see the world with boy.
🥀 Said goodbye my grandma through a surgical facemask knowing she would die while I was away.
🥀 She knew this too. I couldn’t see if she was smiling or crying.
🥀 Tested positive for explosives in Frankfurt airport.
🥀 Lived in a van in Europe for 4 months.
🥀 Became a beer at Oktoberfest in Germany.
🥀 Felt scared of Italians in Italy.
🥀 Had some night terrors in Spain about being buried alive.
🥀 Decided I don’t like sleeping with low ceilings.
🥀 Volunteered to walk dogs in Portugal.
🥀 Grandma died. Cried till I thought I would spew in a car park in Porto.
🥀 Missed my mum in a way that punched me in the chest.
🥀 Accidentally went on a 4 day uphill hike in Morocco.
🥀 Patted heaps of cats.
🥀 Patted more dogs.
🥀 Drank beer in a public bathroom of a campground till 9am in the Sitges. Said things that were the start of the end of things.
🥀 Built a little home in Canada.
🥀 Saw a bear.
🥀 Skied every day for 5 months.
🥀 Realised I don’t love skiing as much as I thought.
🥀 Felt a love fading but also didn’t feel it. Didn’t want to feel it.
🥀 Lost a necklace and a friendship with it.
🥀 Lost a shoe to a dance floor in belize.
🥀 Lost my phone to a dance floor in Colombia.
🥀 Lost myself a little to a lot of (bad) things in the whole of South America.
🥀 Felt a love fading more. Was allowing myself to feel it this time. Felt sick about it.
🥀 Saw something that felt like something crossing a border.
🥀 Got chronic diarrhea for 6 weeks. Nearly went to hospital. Didn’t.
🥀 Got bed bugs. 3 times.
🥀 Felt alone in a way that scared me. But in a way that made me miss being alone.
🥀 Missed someone in a way that scared me more.
🥀 Found the things on the floors of hostels, in books, in 4 am drawings that made me, me again – stuff I forgot about when he became everything and I let everything else crumble away to nothing.
🥀 Wrote more, and better than I ever have.
🥀 Wanted to feel wanted and couldn’t, from the person who should want me the most.
🥀 Changed in every way. Grew heaps. Both of us. Grew apart.
🥀 Swam in the rain at 2am with friends that felt like brothers in Panama. They still do.
🥀 Realised I make most of my decisions based on other peoples approval. Not doing that anymore.
🥀 Disappointed myself when I heard my answers to some questions a someone asked me with our feet dangling in a pool.
🥀 Came home.
🥀 Got my elbow tattooed.
🥀 Fell apart. Me first. Then him.
🥀 Had a thought, for just a moment, that perhaps things would be easier if I wasn’t here. Realised I was not ok. And that was ok. But I needed to take steps to be ok because I should be here. I want to be here.
🥀 Broke my rib.
🥀 Found something I care about in Melbourne.
🥀 Agreed that love was lost over a sushi dinner.
🥀 Became a not forever thing.
🥀 Stopped dressing like a boho beb.
🥀 Started dressing in a way that my mum didn’t like. A way that I liked.
🥀 Stopped dying my hair.
🥀 Stopped wearing foundation.
🥀 Fell out of a shower like an 89 year old. Lay on the floor for a second, naked, wrapped in the shower curtain and wondered what it was I was doing with my life. I got up.
🥀 Hunch back.
🥀 Wrote off my car
🥀 Bought a van. Called it Susan.
🥀 Raised 2 broken little people on the floor of my bedroom for 2 weeks. Broke me.
🥀 Had several panic attacks. For the first time.
🥀 Sobbed in Susan to David Gray over how we got it so wrong, for so long.
🥀 Became the happiest I’ve been. While being the saddest I’ve been.
🥀 Hurt my family in a way that I can’t ever repair, and they don’t know how much that hurts me.
🥀 Hugged goodbye in a dark kitchen with our toes touching. I don’t know when I will see him again.
🥀 Had someone tell me I stopped inspiring them.
🥀 Had someone tell me they didn’t like my pants. I didn’t care. They’re great pants.
🥀 Read a letter that broke my heart like bits of chocolate.
🥀 Got a balloon.
🥀 Got confident.
🥀 Got fucking liberated.
🥀 Got me.Return to issues