Dakota’s 2018: The Year Of, Like, Realising Stuff (Revised Edition)
By Dakota Warren, December 27, 2018
Thus far, in the Fastest-Year-Of-My-Life, I have:
💥 Set myself free. Rebranded myself entirely.
💥 Took a pill to clear my skin. Cleared my skin. Scrambled my brain.
💥 Became entirely dependant on lip balm. Convinced myself that I pump lip balm through my veins rather than blood.
💥 Went vegan, cold turkey. (What an ironic phrase.)
💥 Hit my lowest weight. Hit my highest weight. Found somewhere nice in the middle.
💥 Dated boys purely for revenge.
💥 Threw a lot of parties.
💥 Reached my peak. Slowly, but surely, declined. Completely changed my circle of friends.
💥 Bleached my eyebrows. Laughed hysterically at my alien face for a week. Dyed them back.
💥 Created ripples in the space time continuum. Reconnected to my higher self. Lost her.
💥 Got exactly what I wanted.
💥 Got everything I didn’t want, but needed.
💥 Had a psychedelic induced cranial melt down in the middle of the bush, covered in glitter, wearing metallic snakeskin undies. Twice.
💥 Realised all of the preparation and hype for festivals means nothing because you will spend most of it in your tent crying wishing you were sober in your own bed in comfy pyjamas. Overly prepared and got super hyped for another festival, for the same thing to happen, thus far four times this year. (And I will do it again.)
💥 Became aware of (and became slightly obsessed with) my duty on this planet as a millennial.
💥 Cried. A lot.
💥 Made 37 playlists on Spotify.
💥 Ate 273 packets of Mi Goreng.
💥 Had a crush on a boy for an entire week. Got over him in a split second. That was the only crush I’ve had this year.
💥 Stole a hot pink stiletto from a lady at a rural pub in the middle of nowhere. Right off of her foot. Ran.
💥 Started wearing whatever the hell I wanted, including aforementioned single hot pink stiletto.
💥 Unintentionally split up two relationships that weren’t mine. And almost a marriage.
💥 Decided to learn how to skate, just so I could post pictures on instagram with a skateboard.
💥 Got 5 more little tattoos.
💥 Tried acting. Abandoned acting.
💥 Tried modelling. Abandoned modelling.
💥 Tried playing ukulele. Abandoned playing ukulele.
💥 Pretended I like beer to impress boys. Tipped many cans of beer down the toilet.
💥 Exclusively wore the colour red every day for three months.
💥 Put a Barbie doll in my purse and took her with me everywhere I went, and photographed the adventures.
💥 Almost got fired as a result.
💥 Looked at old photos and cried. Deleted all old photos. Hexed anyone that pissed me off for a week.
💥 Pissed off a lot of people. Probably got hexed myself. Met Fluff. Published some writing.
💥 Acquired a taste for exclusively my friends brothers and dads.
💥 Went to too many festivals and events and did not save any money. Note to 2019 self: 2019 is not the year of self indulging. Please save.
💥 Developed an obsession with dumplings. Only ate dumplings for three weeks. Never want to see a dumpling again.
💥 Stole a tiny little cowboy hat and wore it on my head for two days straight, until it dissolved in the shower.
💥 Bought a bed. Laughed at myself for prolonging buying a bed for an entire year because I thought having a mattress on the floor gave my bedroom a Tortured-Artist-Aesthetic.
💥 Peed in a bucket in a moving car. Spilt the bucket.
💥 Smashed my teeth out of my face, twice. The first time I fell down a flight of stairs. The second time I fell off of a ledge, drunk.
💥 Got fake teeth at the age of 19.
💥 Had nitrous oxide for breakfast.
💥 Got kicked out of clubs and bars on 11 seperate occasions.
💥 Moved houses all on my own. Concerned many neighbours with my decorative choices.
💥 Committed myself, wholeheartedly, to grow my hair long again.
💥 Chopped it all off the next morning.
💥 Cared too much. Stopped caring. Have since forgotten how to care.
💥 Crashed my 1992 Mazda into a 2016 Audi. Wrote it off. Sat in my written off car and played Candy Crush until the tow truck came.
💥 Convinced myself I was cursed. Saged myself in case. Added many made up words to my vocabulary. Like ‘saged’.
💥 Became overly invested in politics. Rallied, protested, yelled, and wrote aggressive emails to people who don’t even know I exist.
💥 Made my mum sad with my choices. Made my mum happy with (fewer) choices.
💥 Broke four hearts. Didn’t let anybody touch mine.
💥 Took too many selfies.
💥 Stopped wearing makeup.
💥 Grew up.
💥 Stopped trying to be seen as attractive.
💥 Decided it’s okay to be an alien.
💥 2017 Dakota was naive, empty, lost, A Victim.
💥 2018 Dakota is courageous, obnoxious, loud, A Predator. 2019 Dakota will be boisterous, fulfilled, sweet, A Force To Be Reckoned With.